My years are marked by wrinkles and responsibilities. They are 14 and 12. 

My skin folds when I forget to tighten my belly before I look at it. Gravity is not friendly in your 40’s. But my belly is. It gave me two children.

My hands are cracked from dishes and shoveling in arctic temps. My rings no longer fit because my knuckles have gotten bigger. But my hands hold smaller, softer, clingy fingers well—which, by the way, like to try on all of my rings while I sit and watch. 

My hair is expensive. I’m blonde-ish, which hides my gray that I pretend not to have. The silver flashes gently frame my face, like a crown of accomplishment. That crown is invaluable as my accomplishments sleep upstairs in peace.

My jokes and sarcasm have been sidelined in lieu of quiet joy, unimportant and inconsequential to most who know me. Unless you know me.

My presence is less influenced by where I need to be and more influenced by where I find meaning. Being the center of attention is increasingly less appealing, and inversely proportionate to being centered.

As my body shape shifts, so too does my soul. My body grows differently, begging for my mind and soul to stay ahead. So I silence my body and ease my mind a bit more each year so that my soul has room to grow. And it grows louder. It must grow to keep up with the hearts (42, 14 and 12, respectively). So I sit in my body as quietly as I’m capable of in any given moment, and I listen to the hearts. If my body is too loud, I can’t hear the beats, and I’m lost. My mind becomes flat and one-dimensional. And my soul leaks and slowly deflates until I grow quiet enough to repair them both. Then I can hear the distinct beats again.

As I grow into quietness, I feel more at ease and less combative with the universe. 40 is a tipping point.  It’s not a bad place, but you have to let go of the noise in order to connect the beats to your soul. Actually, 40 is the place to be—but only when you’re ready. And when you’re ready, you’ll know, because you’ll hear all the beats. I’m growing. I’m going. My soul is flowing for the beats and me.

2/6/19